Growing up, I really don’t know anything about friendship or relationship. Simply because I never had one. I never knew how having a good proper relationship with people who care about me feels like.
Solitude (read: loneliness) never left me.
However, I’m in a way different environment now. I met people who (maybe) care about me, who acknowledge my presence. Loneliness never left my life, but at least I have people beside me now.
Days before my 17th birthday, it felt like the universe was giving me a “trial” of how hard life would be like as an adult. I experienced many hardships that almost made me give up. All those problems made me feel like not wanting to experience a 17th birthday.
However, I managed to hold on and came to a state where I think to myself: I won’t let anything ruin my sweet seventeen.
No matter how shitty life is, no matter how shitty I was feeling, I want to be happy for my 17th birthday.
Ever since I was a child, I always get jealous of people who get birthday presents from their friends and family. I always get jealous of people who are able to celebrate their birthday with their friends by their sides.
I never knew how it feels like to be a teenage girl celebrating a “proper” birthday: without loneliness, without crying for hours, without questioning why am I still alive.
This birthday was not perfect at all.
Hours before April 19th 2024, I cried hard for so long. Wanting to die, questioning myself and everyone around me, feeling lonely.
I didn’t get any presents at all (today and yesterday) like what all my friends experienced during their birthdays.
I had some stuff making me feel like I don’t want to do anything at all for my sweet seventeen.
I felt lonely, I felt sad, I felt mad, I felt horrible, I felt like dying, I felt like I couldn’t handle things anymore, I felt like no one really loves me.
However, I’m grateful to be able to say that this is still the best birthday I’ve ever had.
I have people treating my birthday like an actual special day. I have people who care about me enough to come over to my house (which is so far away from theirs) for my birthday. I have people who accompany me by my side. I have people who care about me. Those people are the best present I could’ve asked for.
Those who are keeping me from feeling lonely.
Keeping me from overthinking about everything.
Keeping me from crying.
Keeping me from questioning myself.
Keeping me from feeling worthless.
Keeping me from not wanting a 17th birthday.
Making me feel loved.
Making me feel cared about.
Making me feel like I worth something.
To myself, 17:
I know you’ll never stop feeling shitty. I know shittier things will happen to you. I know some people will still treat you like shit. I know some people will still make you feel shitty. I know the world won’t stop being shitty. I know shittiness will never go away.
Cry yourself to sleep, rage for hours, scream out of frustration, be sad, be mad, get crazy, feel like you want to die.
Experience all your emotions deeply, to the fullest.
You’re allowed to do that.
But please do rise up after you experienced all of that. Don’t let the world turn you down. Don’t let people treat you like you’re worthless. Don’t let the world makes you feel like you don’t deserve good things. Don’t let the world keeps you away from living your life to the fullest.
Do not accept a life you do not deserve.
You used to think you’ll never make it to 17.
Now, you are 17.
You’ve come a long way, and you still have such a long way to go.
Happy birthday. Fill your adulthood with things you love.
This birthday, although I felt like there are many thorns stabbing deep into my heart, I still feel like the world is giving me a big warm hug.
And for that, I thank every person who make me able to feel like this is the best birthday I’ve ever had.
